SHOULD YOU HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP?

To help you flush away some confusion from your situation, it sounds like you pose a few different questions:

1. How involved is too involved when it comes to negotiating your relationship and an F buddy?
2. How will geographic distance impact your relationship, especially if you open up the relationship?

As difficult as this may be, each of these questions may require you to answer some additional questions. In looking at the first one, how involved is too involved, consider the following:

• If I develop strong emotional feelings for someone other than my partner, will I still be interested in and/or have energy for my current relationship? In answering this, consider your past patterns. Do you tend to get swept up in someone or do you tend to approach relationships from a more "objective" place? Do you notice yourself being able to maintain other close relationships (family and friends) when you start dating, or do important people sometimes report feeling neglected? Keep in mind the distance factor with regards to opening up. If you have ever been in a long distance relationship before, have you noticed how the lack of proximity affected your interest level? For some, distance may erode attachment over time while others stick with it long term.
• How likely is it that I will develop feelings for other people that I choose to sleep with? Like you, some people may prefer not to sleep with someone unless they really like them — that sex and emotions are not all that separate. On the other hand, sex may be purely physical with little or no emotional ties. It's helpful to determine if this is the case for you or not. Please keep in mind that this may change over time and by the partner. An initially no-strings-attached f*** buddy may spark up more feelings over time, or an interesting hook up may become an in-bed work out buddy only. Try to stay cognizant of your emotions towards your partners over time.

Proximity and distance is another concern. Some people choose to open up their relationship in the context of distance. Some questions to ask yourself include:

• Even though the future of our relationship may be uncertain, do I want to attempt to sustain the relationship now? If so, how come? If not, why not?
• Assuming that my current goal includes maintaining my relationship, will opening up support our relationship, given the distance? If staying in your relationship is a priority for you, opening the relationship may help support your relationship (e.g., by staying satisfied with your personal needs even while your partner's away, being honest about other partners, etc.). If opening up may be harmful to the relationship, it may be worth reconsidering. Open relationships, or even monogamous relationships, are not for everyone in different situations.
• Is the distance making it hard for me to maintain my interest in my partner? If you think this might be happening and you want to work on it, check out The up side of a long distance relationship.

When you have self-evaluated your situation more, you may want to open up the discussion with your partner. If you two choose to have an open relationship, a few tips to try may include:

• Trust, nearly as difficult to define as love, is something earned, extended, and built, not something to be proved. You can't demand your partner's trust; however, you can prove yourself to be trustworthy, extend trust, and give your partner the choice to trust you if your partner wants to. This may take time, and open communication serves as a great foundation to any relationship.
• Clearly define boundaries of the open relationship. For example, some may open a relationship only while they are in a long distance situation, allowing only specific types of sex behaviors, having only couple-approved partners, only emotional but not physical, etc. Each relationship looks different, and like people, it tends to change over time.
• If the open relationship includes sex with others, define safer sex practices with others and with each other.
• Have room for changes. For example, your partner may be cool with you having sex with someone else, but later feel strong discomfort knowing that you're performing a special sexual act on the other partner. Amendments to the agreements may prevent unintentional crossing of boundaries.
• Periodically check-in with each other. Some partners may want to hear details about other partners, whereas some may not (the "don't ask, don't tell"). Either way, checking-in with each other's comfort levels may help further open up communication and strengthen trust.