Friday, March 1, 2013
WHAT TO DO IF YOU WANT TO ALLOW OTHERS INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP
If you're the one who is considering asking your partner to live with an open relationship, approach the subject carefully. It's likely that you'll have a lot of explaining to do, and you could run the risk of losing your partnership.
If you need help, consider asking an online counselor how best to approach the situation. He or she can help guide you toward a workable solution with your partner.
SHOULD YOU HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP?
To help you flush away some confusion from your situation, it sounds like you pose a few different questions:
- How involved is too involved when it comes to negotiating your relationship and an F buddy?
- How will geographic distance impact your relationship, especially if you open up the relationship?
As difficult as this may be, each
of these questions may require you to answer some additional questions. In
looking at the first one, how involved is too involved, consider the following:
- If I develop strong emotional feelings for someone other than my partner, will I still be interested in and/or have energy for my current relationship? In answering this, consider your past patterns. Do you tend to get swept up in someone or do you tend to approach relationships from a more "objective" place? Do you notice yourself being able to maintain other close relationships (family and friends) when you start dating, or do important people sometimes report feeling neglected? Keep in mind the distance factor with regards to opening up. If you have ever been in a long distance relationship before, have you noticed how the lack of proximity affected your interest level? For some, distance may erode attachment over time while others stick with it long term.
- How likely is it that I will develop feelings for other people that I choose to sleep with? Like you, some people may prefer not to sleep with someone unless they really like them — that sex and emotions are not all that separate. On the other hand, sex may be purely physical with little or no emotional ties. It's helpful to determine if this is the case for you or not. Please keep in mind that this may change over time and by the partner. An initially no-strings-attached f*** buddy may spark up more feelings over time, or an interesting hook up may become an in-bed work out buddy only. Try to stay cognizant of your emotions towards your partners over time.
Proximity and distance is another
concern. Some people choose to open up their relationship in the context of
distance. Some questions to ask yourself include:
- Even though the future of our relationship may be uncertain, do I want to attempt to sustain the relationship now? If so, how come? If not, why not?
- Assuming that my current goal includes maintaining my relationship, will opening up support our relationship, given the distance? If staying in your relationship is a priority for you, opening the relationship may help support your relationship (e.g., by staying satisfied with your personal needs even while your partner's away, being honest about other partners, etc.). If opening up may be harmful to the relationship, it may be worth reconsidering. Open relationships, or even monogamous relationships, are not for everyone in different situations.
- Is the distance making it hard for me to maintain my interest in my partner? If you think this might be happening and you want to work on it, check out The up side of a long distance relationship.
When you have self-evaluated your
situation more, you may want to open up the discussion with your partner. If
you two choose to have an open relationship, a few tips to try may include:
- Trust, nearly as difficult to define as love, is something earned, extended, and built, not something to be proved. You can't demand your partner's trust; however, you can prove yourself to be trustworthy, extend trust, and give your partner the choice to trust you if your partner wants to. This may take time, and open communication serves as a great foundation to any relationship.
- Clearly define boundaries of the open relationship. For example, some may open a relationship only while they are in a long distance situation, allowing only specific types of sex behaviors, having only couple-approved partners, only emotional but not physical, etc. Each relationship looks different, and like people, it tends to change over time.
- If the open relationship includes sex with others, define safer sex practices with others and with each other.
- Have room for changes. For example, your partner may be cool with you having sex with someone else, but later feel strong discomfort knowing that you're performing a special sexual act on the other partner. Amendments to the agreements may prevent unintentional crossing of boundaries.
- Periodically check-in with each other. Some partners may want to hear details about other partners, whereas some may not (the "don't ask, don't tell"). Either way, checking-in with each other's comfort levels may help further open up communication and strengthen trust.
WHAT DOES A SAMPLE OPEN RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT LOOK LIKE?
The following persons, (XXXX) and (YYYY),
freely enter into this relationship agreement which will begin October, 19xx, extend for a period of one year, and terminate on October, 19xx. We are defining our relationship as a(n): (Open Dyad). At the expiration of this agreement, we may choose to reconfirm or renegotiate our agreement. Or we may choose not to continue our relationship and to part from each other peacefully, respectfully, and as whole and free persons.
(Name)
(Name)
Dated: ,19xx
I freely enter into this contract, choosing to live in the NOW with you and remaining open-hearted to future expansion of our family. We know nothing is guaranteed and "happily ever after" exists only in fairy tales. Love and relationships take conscious, consistent effort to maintain and to flourish.
I am free to make commitments and I accept responsibility for my actions. My freedom comes from the personal expression of my own power. No one can take away my power to be my self. I choose to help empower you, not to own you nor possess you. I choose to love, honor, and respect you.
I will be as truthful and reliable as I can be. I will not agree to do things with you unless I truly want to, yet I will be respectful of, and sensitive to, your needs and feelings. When I want something from you, I will ask clearly, not hint or expect you to read my mind. I will not create expectations in my head concerning you or your actions then blame you for their unfulfillment. I will share my love, joy, and caring with you.
I will never use your words against you nor divulge your private thoughts and actions to others without your consent. I will communicate to you what "privacy" means to me, and I will accept your definition of "privacy" for you. Any actions or words that relate to something the two of us said or did together should be considered private unless we have discussed it and agreed to reveal our actions or thoughts to others.
I will care for you when you are sick or hurt even if it means you want me to do nothing at all for you. I will respect that, in most instances, you know what is best for you, and what you need from me. However, I will not let you purposefully hurt or destroy yourself without attempting to persuade you otherwise. You may count on me for strength and emotional support when you are down and I expect the same of you.
We are separate and unique individuals who choose to enrich and cherish each other. Ultimately, though, only I can choose to be happy or not, fulfilled or not. I am equal to you, not more nor less. I will not compete with you and play "I win, you lose" games. I will enjoy your different qualities and work towards "win-win" situations. I feel proud of you and will not take you for granted. I will accept you as you are and not try to change those aspects of yourself I am uncomfortable with. I will endeavor to keep my mind open and my boundaries flexible. I will support your growth processes. I will not attack you in public or private when something occurs that I don't like. I will instead accept it as a part of who you are and rationally discuss it with you in private in order to more fully understand who you are. I will remember your love and constancy and communicate this to you. I will not judge you against my past relationships, good or bad. Nor will I hold on to issues or grudges. I will enjoy sharing hopes, dreams, and plans for the future with you now.
Our time together has a high priority in my life. I value our time and will make conscious efforts to ensure we have as much time for each other as we need. I also recognize that we need separate and alone time, too. I will respect your right to be apart from me, and I expect you to respect my right to have alone time also. I have friends and interests that are not in common with you; you also have friends and interests not in common with me. I will not be possessive or jealous of your time away from me, recognizing that the fulfillment and joy you receive benefits me as well. I will be open to uncommon experiences with you though. Our careers are also important to us and I will be understanding when job demands temporarily take a high priority in your life; I expect the same from you.
When problems occur, I will work with you to resolve them as soon as possible. When I am upset or conflicted, I will center myself, clarify my feelings, and determine my issues before confronting you. Only then will I approach you to discuss my issues. I will never make threats of breaking our commitments to each other, leaving you, or asking you to leave. I will never intentionally physically harm you nor threaten to. I will not expect either of us to be perfect. Occasionally I will get frustrated and stressed and disappointed, but I will not reject you nor attempt to control your individuality. I accept that I will have times of anger, sadness, fear, and pain and will want your emotional support. I will not feel you are attacking me when you express frustrations or bad feelings.
I use sexual intimacy as a way to express my love and inner self to you. I will not withhold sex to punish you nor use sex to control you. I value our sexual intimacy and will be open to your sexuality and need, as well as my own. I may not agree with every desire you have and I will be open to new experiences. However, I will not do things I am uncomfortable with, nor would I force you to do that which is uncomfortable for you. I will not be intimate with another unless you are comfortable with it. If you feel threatened, I will show you my love and reassure you and listen to you. However, I will not let you control my actions if you have unreasonable fears or a need to have power over me.
I will be responsible for supporting myself, and I will share what I can with you to the best of my abilities. I have personal property and I will respect and care for your personal property, as well as our common property, as if it were my own. I will make agreements with you concerning mutual financial matters. I will not control you with money, nor will I be controlled by your money. I also will consult with you before attempting to change our place of residence.
I commit myself to growing and changing and creating a conscious future with you. I will do my utmost to live up to the spirit of this agreement. We may revise or renegotiate this document as we deem suitable.
Dated: , 19xx
Witnessed by:
WHAT ARE THE RULES?
1. Tell the Truth. Lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is built on honesty. Honesty isn't hard and it's a good habit. Bite the bullet, tell the truth. If your relationship can't weather it, you are in the wrong relationship; but it probably can. Telling the truth is easier than lying, all rumor and myth to the contrary. Lies are a lot of work. They weigh you down and isolate you. Small lies get lonely and seek out bigger lies. Don't ask one lover to lie or keep secrets from others. Secrets may not be lies but they breed lies. Secrets build walls and discourage intimacy. Know the difference between privacy and secrecy.
Resist the desire to tell someone what you think they want to hear or try to protect them. "Especially do not feign affection." If you're not sure about love, say so. If your relationships are not a high priority in your life, let people know. Encourage honesty in others. Above all, be honest with yourself. Are you looking to build a family or for a little sexual variety?
2. Know Yourself. This is the most important tool and sometimes the hardest to find. Spend quality time with yourself and find out what you're like. Most people never do. Learn to tell when you are moody or unreasonable or defensive or hyper-sensitive or blinded by New Relationship Energy. Know your limits. Discover where you could do better. Learn what's healthy for you and what's not. Figure out what your priorities really are. Learn when to take a walk and cool off.
Many people never see the consistent patterns in their own behavior that are obvious to everyone else, like always pursuing the same type of lover or always turning relationships into soap operas or lovers into adversaries. They are blind to themselves. What don't you know about yourself? If you know about your addictions you can transform them into a preferences and eventually into a choices, but first you have to know about them.
Take time to discover things like: what baggage are you carrying from your childhood or your last relationship, what do you need and what do you only want, what pushes your buttons and why, which things are you willing to compromise on, what are your core motivations, what makes you jealous or insecure or competitive, at what point are you over-extending yourself, what are your patterns, strengths and weaknesses, etc. Remember to learn your good points too. A lot of this goes back to honesty.
3. Take Care of Yourself. Work on you. "Grow your own garden in your own soul, don't wait for someone else to bring you flowers." Instead of looking to other people for validation or satisfaction or happiness, learn to make it yourself. This is a vitally important skill for living. You will always be at other people's mercy - until you learn to satisfy your own needs. Once you do, you gain a freedom and confidence that can never be taken away. You can meet people as equals and choose to enjoy each other instead of carefully exchanging needs in a scarcity-driven emotional economy. Ironically, people find this kind of independence very attractive.
Take time by yourself to think about what you need to work on and give yourself the space to do it. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, like yourself, love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself, respect yourself, serve yourself, nurture yourself, just be yourself and please, sharpen a knife and cut yourself some slack. Everyone is too hard on themselves and everyone's mirrors are warped. Yours are too; learn to compensate. Learn emotional first aid. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of all your other relationships.
4. Take Responsibility. Own your feelings. No one can make you sad or angry or happy either, they are your emotions. They exist in your head and nowhere else. You own them. You. There are always choices. Accept that sometimes you feel good or bad for no reason at all - not because of the people or events in your life. When you make someone else accountable for your feelings, your disempower yourself.
Playing the victim or martyr is just a way to manipulate people. To say, "I hurt you because my parents hurt me", is to surrender your life to other people and to the past. Be here now. Take charge of your own feelings and actions and life. You are responsible for seeing that your own needs get met. (Yes, even your own sexual needs.) Don't tell other people "do me, make me happy, protect me." Learn to take care of yourself.
If there are problems in one of your relationships or if your life is a mess, stand up and carry your share of the responsibility (and no more), even if you don't think you deserve it. Taking responsibility is not taking blame. "It's all your fault," causes new problems, it doesn't solve any. The more responsibility you take over your own life, the more freedom you have.
5. Encourage Growth. Remember to care about your lovers as human beings. Support them in advancing their careers, spiritual pursuits, educations and ambitions. At their own pace and in their own way. Help them to heal and understand themselves better. Encourage them to take time by themselves and give them the space they need. Help them cultivate strength. Ask them to do the same for you but tell them how; they can't read your mind. One way to encourage growth is to give those you love the freedom to love others.
Some people find neediness and weakness very attractive. Maybe they think they'll be abandoned if their loved ones get strong. They might try to keep people weak and needy so they'll stay. They might give generously but with conditions and strings attached. This is not unconditional love - it may not be love at all - it might just be aggressive need.
Growth can be stunted by difficult emotions like insecurity or fear of abandonment. One way to manage a limiting emotion is to meet it head on. "The only way out - is through." Don't hide from it; that just gives it power. Dive in and weather it and survive it and examine it. Your fear is far worse than reality. Learn that and the emotion loses its power and you grow stronger. You can even use jealousy, insecurity, etc. to teach you about yourself. They are valuable. Pay attention to them and learn from them.
6. Respect. Respect is a form of love. Respect yourself, set limits and boundaries and respect those of other people. Know how and when to clearly say `no' and how to listen when others say `no'. Never tolerate abuse. You deserve better. Remember to be polite to your partners, they deserve it even more than the stranger down the street.
Try not to save all your best stuff for one partner and take your partners for granted, especially when they are together. Try to treat them evenly or someone will feel slighted. Comparisons make people compete and force someone to be the loser. Find a way for everyone to win.
Respect relationships as well as people. Each relationship seems to have a natural shape; don't try to force it to be something else. Think of each relationship as a separate entity that could be healthy or sick. Resist the urge to use a relationship to get your head in order; a lover is not a life raft. If you need therapy, see a doctor.
It's easy to project your expectations onto other people. "Maybe they'll change." Don't try to force a person to be someone they are not. People are package deals; accept them for who they are, good and bad, or don't accept them at all.
If you want respect, keep your word. Keep to the spirit of your agreements; don't squabble over semantics looking for loop-holes to exploit. If you make an agreement in the kitchen, keep it in the bedroom. Every agreement you've ever made is really with yourself.
7. Communicate. If you want a healthy relationship, strong communication skills are a necessity, not a luxury. Trouble usually starts when talking stops. Things come up all the time that have to be worked through patiently and lovingly, even when you're having a bad day. It gets easier over time, but it takes work and a willingness to break up scar tissue and tear down walls. Communication skills are what make a person a good lover.
Arguing skills are not communication skills. Arguing better than someone doesn't make you right, it just makes you better at arguing. Sometimes people strive to `win' an argument at the cost of their own relationship. Negotiate a way for everyone to win.
Listening is more important than talking. Listen actively and don't just hear. Make eye contact. Be here now, don't wander. Paraphrase their words to see if you heard them right. Notice your own words and feelings, ask why they are what they are. Listen to unhappy feelings (yours and those of others) without needing to fix them. Listen to disagreements without taking sides. Listen to non-verbal communication, which usually speaks more clearly than words. Be aware of how the people in your life are loving you.
Some talk is not communication. If you get lost in the woods and pass the same landmark several times, you are making the same mistake over and over. Raising your voice or speaking harshly makes you harder to understand, not easier. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. "I think you're wrong" is easier to accept than "you are wrong." Directness works better than manipulation.
Clearly express yourself; people can't read your mind. Tear down the wall between your feelings and your words. Set limits and boundaries and communicate them. Make sure everyone knows what they are getting into. Learn how to defuse arguments. If necessary, learn how and when to say goodbye. Actions communicate better than words. Show people that you love them. Share kindness and affection and laughter. When in doubt, rub their feet.
8. Attitude. Having tools isn't enough, you have to really want to use them. Ya gotta wanna. Your disposition will make it work or blow it. Find a way for everyone to win. Make important decisions unanimous. Shine a positive light on difficult situations too; many relationships wither from negative energy. Don't turn little things into big things. Look for solutions, not someone to blame. Practice tolerance, patience, flexibility, generosity, understanding, forgiveness. Learn to apologize. Laugh at yourself.
Be wrong; you can't learn from errors if you always gotta be right. Let it go; be happy instead. Listen more than you talk. Give someone else the last word. See things through their eyes; empathy is the cure for anger. Stay calm and remember to breath. Let down your walls, trust, open up, risk and let yourself be vulnerable. Without vulnerability there is no intimacy. Take your time and emphasize friendship over romance. Savor what you have instead of dwelling on what you don't have. Practice truly unconditional love. Share.
THE CONS
Another negative aspect is that you open yourself up to feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and other negative emotional feelings. How would it feel to love someone, and run the risk of your partner becoming more attached to a one night stand or occasional fling, than he or she is attached to you? This could open up a whole Pandora's Box of emotional turmoil.
There Is Guilt
Of course the idea is that there is no guilt, because technically you can do what you like. However for the vast majority of us it’s very difficult not to feel guilty when we are sleeping with someone who is not our partner – or when we are telling our partner how much they mean to us and we remember what we were doing last night.
There’s Jealousy
You may or may not feel guilty and everyone is different in this regard. However there is a big chance that you are going to feel jealous when you see your partner with another person, or when you hear them talking about them. You’ll wonder whether maybe they had a better time with them, you’ll worry that they might leave you, and you’ll hate the idea of sharing. This is human nature whether or not you have any interest in a long term relationship.
The Other Kind of Competition
The competition that your partner feels with the other people in your life can be a positive thing as mentioned if it causes them to make sure to always put their all into your relationships. However there is also another kind of competition – the competition you have against each other. You see as soon as you allow each other to find alternative partners, you’ll discover that it quickly becomes a competition to see which of you has the most exciting and successful love life. You’ll end up both bragging about your extra curricula activity, and there is always the possibility of course that you could end up having no interest from the opposite sex while your partner has a string of successes – and this would be rather upsetting.
Diseases and Pregnancies
And then of course there is the slight problem of STI’s and pregnancy scares. While it is possible to be safe in an open relationship and to take safe sex seriously, no form of contraceptive is 100% effective and there is always the chance that something could go wrong. Of course this is dramatically increased if you have multiple sexual partners meaning that you could easily end up in trouble. And of course the idea of an accidental pregnancy is much worse when it isn’t with the partner that you want to spend the rest of your life with anyway.
Management and Time
On the one hand you might get more freedom from your ‘main’ partner if you are in an open relationship and you might find that you are more free in terms of time and less likely to get pestered. However at the same time if you have multiple partners then you might find that this negates those positives as that’s more people to call you and to get angry with you. Managing multiple relationships can be heavy going and arduous and you may find you can’t keep up.
Your Partner May Leave You
Of course if you are in an open relationship, no matter what might have been said in the beginning, your partner is considerably more likely to find someone else – because they’re allowed to look. That means that you’ve created a situation in which they are much more likely to leave you, and it means that you will probably be much more insecure in your relationship knowing this. Which isn’t pleasant for either party.
THE PROS
In an open relationship however you get to experience every opportunity that comes your way, you get to act on your desires and you never go home feeling that pang of regret.
More Varied Sex
One of the reasons that the previous point is so important is the sex. Plain and simple it means you get more varied and exciting sex and with more people.
You Don’t Miss Out
The other reason it’s so important though is that you won’t end up missing out on an opportunity that might have been ‘once in a life time’. You for instance won’t miss that opportunity to skinny dip with two girls or guys in Switzerland – or to play strip poker with a sexy older person, but more importantly you won’t miss out on meeting someone who might have been even better suited to you than your current partner.
It’s Casual
Being in an open relationship is by definition a casual affair and it means that you aren’t going to feel too tied down or pressured in any way. If you are someone who runs at the first sign of commitment then this might be for you, and if you are someone who isn’t ready to settle down, or who likes having a lot of time to themselves, then this can be a good way to achieve those things as well.
You Don’t Get Bored
That’s either of you. Because you are getting a more varied sex life and seeing more people, this means that when you’re with your partner you feel more excitement and more freshness. This can help to prevent things from settling into that ‘familiar’ territory and keep things exciting a lot longer.
Some Competition Can Be Healthy?
And the other reason for this is that your partner will be aware that you’re having other offers. Even if being in an open relationship was their idea, then you can bet that they are going to ‘up their game’ as it were to make sure that you’re still their favourite. And that means no jogging bottoms at home and exciting passionate sex.
There’s No Guilt (In Theory)
Even the most loyal partners among us have moments when our
eyes wander, or when we start looking at pictures of other people on Facebook.
This can be a source of guilt, but if you’re in an open relationship then
there’s no guilt. Or at least there shouldn’t be. That is to say, that if you
don’t feel guilty, you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. But we’ll come back to
this point later…
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